time flies

wow.

It's been almost 2 months since my last post, which just blows my mind.  Turns out that this lapse in productivity on the blog experiment has yielded some interesting results, observations, and even possibly some advice.  I'm not big on handing out unsolicited advice, but figure since you're reading you ARE kind of asking for it.  So here is what I have learned from the last two months of the adventure:

1. Grad School keeps you busy.  The intial rush of constant little (and still important) assignments at the beginning of the semester gives way to bigger looming assignments - the kind that you really have to make an effort to keep making progress on or you're in a pickle.  I'm much better at getting through long readings at this point, but there are just more and more of them if you actually do the research and literature reviews expected for those bigger papers and assignments.  Speaking of:

2. It is really hard to stop researching sometimes and just start writing the damn paper.  I have faith I'll get better at this, but I always fear that I'm missing a crucial source or perspective that would substantially shift my position.  I assume, of course, that my professors know all of these sources and are just waiting to pounce.

3. Piece of advice #1: Rig up a comfortable zone for studying. Do this anyway, but especially if you're in the later stages of your pregnancy. It has become more and more difficult to work for extended periods at a time (and by "extended" I mean 30 minutes...and its getting worse) without elaborate castles of pillows, books, supports, chairs, tables.... You see, everything must be in arms reach because it really does become an effort to move. Not to mention that if you are lucky enough to find a comfortable position that allows you to read, highlight, take notes, type, eat and drink...you don't want to have to mess it up.   Side note: futons are sucky for this purpose - anything that has a sunken in seating area is kind of a disaster. It's almost enough to make me forget we can't afford a new couch.

4. Eric is a good helper. Even if he thinks he isn't doing much and laments not being as busy as he was back in Colorado, I can't imagine trying to balance all of this without him. Even something as simple as driving me to school sometimes when it is rainy or I'm running late. Or things that are more complicated, like making his mom's homemade french food for dinner. Sometimes, just for making me laugh and being there to lean on.  And it is no fun dressing up like Juno for Halloween without Paulie Bleeker.

5. Piece of advice #2: One piece pregnancy bathing suits are difficult to find. I tried to save money (and still get something that wouldn't disintegrate after a few uses) by just getting a speedo a few sizes larger than normal because it was recommended on some sites.  However, peanut takes up a lot of that fabric, my friends.  In a nutshell - this strategy doesn't work. Spring for the maternity one - though I'm sure it will fall apart as good suit companies don't market to my demographic so much. OR do what I'm about to do - go ahead and get the dumb two piece...or recognize that I'm not going to get around to the swimming thing after all and let it go.

6. Related piece of advice:  If I wasn't in grad school full time, working two work-study jobs, and pregnant, I would carve out more time for my physical fitness goals. I do wish I would have figured out that rhythm and schedule immediately so that I was swimming and doing yoga for the past 3 months. I think it would have helped with #3 in an odd way.

7. This is nothing mindblowingly new to most of the world, but there are some strange things that happen to your body when preggo. I'm in awe that there is a tiny person inside me and I appreciation that.  However, I have a new appreciation for what your non-preggo body can do, too.  Here are some things I miss being able to do:

• read while lying on my stomach
• run if necessary (even hurry across the street...)
• play volleyball
• shave my legs (and other parts...)
• sleep on my back
• sleep in any position
• pick things up off of the floor when I drop them without it being an ordeal
• order a glass of wine in a restaurant without being glared at
• ride a bike (no, really, Eric...I miss having the option)
• navigate through rows of chairs in a lecture hall without disrupting the entire class
• tie my shoes

8.  Piece of advice #3: sign up for office hours, form study groups, work cooperatively with other students.  All of these resources are extremely valuable, save time, and create a support network that you need.

9.  Tator tots are still good.  Really good.

10.  It is super weird when babies kick you.

11. It is super awesome when people give you baby stuff they don't need anymore.  Little things add up and grad school is not a lucrative time in life. I'm not sure that folks will ever know the full extent of my appreciation.


I'm sure there are other things to say. It's almost time for law group (cannot believe there is only one more class after tonight!) and I've got to read through some stuff.  My goal is another post next week as we enter the final stretch of semester one...wish me luck!

Today a series of mini-entries

There is much to catch up on and most of it is disconnected, so I will be making a series of mini-blog entries and will eventually come up with a cute name for them. or not.

TATOR TOTS

It has come to my attention that I am not the only person who finds tator tots charming, tasty, and irresistable  - particularly when pregnant. I'm not sure how it comes up in conversation, exactly, but if one could name the 5 foods they relied upon during the worst of the food aversions (otherwise known as cravings if you look at it backwards...) and "morning" sickness - not a single person has failed to mention tator tots as a diet staple.

I'm making some right now. This time, not because I'm having morning sickness, exactly, but a milder version where nothing seems like the right thing to eat. That is, 'cept the tots.


WORKLOAD

I have a lot of work to do. Weekends are now for studying.  "Studying", by the way, means reading, reading, reading, researching the papers you need to read to understand the other reading, writing reactions, researching more papers to fill in the blanks and write papers, writing discussion questions, writing case briefs, summarizing arguments, making powerpoints, and reading some more.

All in all, it is to be expected, so it's okay.  It's just really important to stay organized and constantly be reviewing calendars and the syllabus for each class, eavesdropping on classmates' conversations (what paper are you talking about that is due next week?), and if you don't have anything to do, something is likely missing. I think I'm a little frontloaded this semester (ha! in more ways than one...) so maybe Nov/Dec will be a little more chill than otherwise, but I'm not betting on it.

PIGGYBACKING

I really like the people I school with (seems appropriate...I would have said "people I work with" if it were in any way a paid position...).  They're smart, funny (sometimes downright hysterical), humble, and mostly seem to be in just as much shock and awe about the whole school thing as I am. Still, there is this THING that happens at school...

As soon as I bitch about this one, I'm sure I'm going to be guilty of the same offense. I am torn between amusement and annoyance everytime the following words or phrases are used in my class dicussions (it never happens in normal conversation, I might add...)

"To piggyback on what your mom just said..."
"To dovetail that comment..."
"I was just going to say..."

See, the last one is just habit.  I'm not sure where the habit starts, but what strikes me about it is how you start making your point or argument by apologizing for making it. I don't get that. AND it is obvious.  Of coure you were "going to say" what you are about to say - so just say it.

However, the first two are just annoying buzzwords...and there are others.  Makes me want to randomly start making up stuff to preview my comments. Maybe:

"I'm going to take a tandem bicycle ride on what your mom just said..."
"To two-man-bobsled the point that President Bartlet made..."
"Your comment practically eloped with my point because..."

I'm sure I'm not going to make any friends doing that if I don't choose my timing wisely - and maybe even if I do - but it sure will amuse ME (and a few other classmates I've talked to) and keep my creative mind active.

MEASURING IN WEEKS AND MONTHS

You know how I talked about that in the beginning? Someone asked me the other day how many weeks I was and I didn't know the answer anymore. I said, "um, roughly 5 and a half months...i think" and then realized that I've been giving that answer for a few weeks now...and somewhere along the line I must have stopped counting.  Is that odd?


I HAVE GOT TO STOP CALLING MARC "CHARLIE"

I have a classmate (and TA for a different class) who reminds me in a variety of ways, including physically,  of Charles Young, the awesome personal assistant to the President in The West Wing. This amused me at first until I accidentally said, "hey, Charlie" the other day when a bunch of us were standing around talking and he walked by (thankfully, it was drowned out by other voices using the correct name).  I can't really think of anyone else that I regularly associate so strongly with a television character, so this is a new thing for me.  Does this happen to anyone else?  I mean, there is a girl we met at a wedding that Eric wouldn't stop calling "Lemon" because she looked like Tina Fey, but we aren't likely to see her again, much less on a regular, on-going semi-professional basis... (sigh).



Alright.  Tator Tots are ready.  And some folks are coming over for season premiere of Dexter tonight...so it's back to some of that glorious reading until the doorbell rings.

Elle Woods

There's this little joke in my world about my minor resemblance to Reese Witherspoon (mostly when I'm thinner and younger) and my reality of attending Harvard University.  If you haven't seen it, Legally Blonde is a pretty entertaining little movie.

So it was appropriate that Legally Blonde was on TV tonight. I had kind of a rough day of feeling a little blue, a little stuck, and a little alone.  "Stuck" because I'm at a standstill with getting things set up at the apartment until Eric makes a few moves and because I'm without my car and can't just go get things that would facilitate forward progress at Target or wherever, which I normally would just do to get things moving.  Alone because Eric was dealing with anything BUT our world today (in my opinion) and had plans tonight to see an old friend and I was just feeling a little brushed aside throughout the day at different moments. Blue because of the other two things, guilt (because I really worry about him being happy and I WANT him to see friends he has out here and not begrudge him that) and a healthy dose of preggo hormones, I'm sure.

However, I took it as a sign from the universe to reengage my sense of humor when I was channel surfing and Elle Woods was smiling at me.

I really like my Higher Education and the Law class.  I've only been to one, but it's endlessly interesting to me to think about all the different complications that pop up in the world of Higher Ed. I've had glimpses into complicated little worlds over the years - directing summer camp, working in non-profit, working as a high school administrator - and always have had an interest (much to others' annoyance at times) in risk management, liability, and anticipating potential issues. So this sort of thing is right up my alley and 2 hours flew by, leaving me with a head full of questions about tiny little offshoots from discussion in class.

The same cannot be said for my History of American Higher Education class (no offense, Professor), but I'm sure I'll get there with it eventually.  I have already had to confront my own bias and road blocks when doing the first primary source reading for this course - essentially a marketing flyer for early Harvard that reminded me of how religiously charged and cemented so much of colonial America was.  Turns me off right away (and I did a fair amount of studying Colonial American history and religious formation as an undergrad), but it was what it was and has a lot to say about what still goes on in today's higher ed system - and education system in general.

I haven't been to my other two courses yet, but am looking forward to both for their content and challenge.  I'm a little concerned after my first two courses that there is a disproportionate amount of time and attention paid to the history and issues of private institutions vs. public institutions - as if to assume that everyone in the program is interested in working for private colleges and universities. However, I know there are a gaggle of my program peeps who have the same concern and are interested in a lot of the same issues I am (college access, admissions process, community colleges, etc.) so I know I'm not alone.  I rather like "nerding out" with them about this stuff and THAT is a pretty nice perk of this program all by itself.

Speaking of perks, I totally won the lottery with my advisor - story for another time.

So, I'm going to learn from Elle Woods tonight, buck up, have a little faith in myself, and keep looking forward.  Besides, I worry that peanut picks up on my moods and I don't need to be bringing a moody little bugger into the world. Doesn't make me any more motivated to read that History assignment for Tuesday morning's class, but it did make me write a blog entry tonight  - and I just may do a little research this evening try to enjoy exploring the city a little tomorrow with Eric.  And maybe get a manicure.

Adventures and Orientation

Whew.  It's been a few weeks.  A few weeks full of packing, moving, visiting, flying, driving, navigating, worrying, laughing, crying, unpacking, and getting "oriented".

The idea of "orientation" conjures up so many things right now. So many things are new that I sometimes feel like I deserve a little one on one orientation for each aspect of life that presents me with a new challenge. Sometimes, there are little orientation sessions that happen by accident while others are actually planned and happen intentionally.

I'm in my last official day of orientation as a graduate student at Harvard.  I'm not feeling any more ready or prepared for classes or the actual workload, but at least I know where classes are, where the library is, where to get some food, where to avoid hanging out if I really need to get work done, who my advisor is, and what my course schedule is.  I also have a much better sense of who I'm on this little adventure WITH and, so far, my cohort is fascinating, hysterically amusing, and serving as a nice, calm, rational touchstone.

There are other things that I would like to request some dedicated orientation time regarding. I shall list them here:

• the city, the T, the freeways, and systems of Cambridge and Boston - in particular this whole "toll" nonsense and the annoying need for parking permits and registrations that double insurance costs.
• unpacking and organizing a small one bedroom apartment without jeopardizing your relationship because you realize how much you'll be on top of one another - in the unpleasant way.
• grocery shopping and food preparation - we seem to have forgotten a LOT in transit and, somehow, I feel like I'm doing this for the first time on my own. It's silly. 
• why is everything in e-format these days?  How am I supposed to highlight and take notes on a PDF? I'm not sure that the technology is helping my situation as a student. 
• Local TV stations and how to use the new cable remote
• abbreviations that show up on my lab results because i'm just naturally curious about that kind of thing. I know most people just stop reading and smile after the word "normal", but not me. 
• how to pick a boy's name.  We had the girl's name all dialed in. Now this is unnecessary and we need to start over and have decided that boy's names are harder.
• how to successfully keep up with the blog you started.

I was just going to save this and finish later...my mother just called and needs an update, too.  However, I think one of the first bits of the blog orientation might be to post when you can...and since I might not get back to this for a little bit, a little something will at least be...something.

Coming Soon:

Adventures in Seattle
Driving to Boston
Peanut Pops
I'm Where? Harvard?
Ikea
I'm Old
Peanut is a Boy

The Moving Circus

I don't quite know what to say to thoroughly capture my relocation-process-related fatigue.

I have moved frequently in my 35 years. I spend an average of 3 years somewhere, I'd say, with Madison and Los Angeles tying for the longest (5 years) and Menomonee Falls, WI the shortest (8 months). I'm used to packing, moving, unpacking, settling in, meeting new people and getting to know new places. No big whoop.

However, the current process is making me want to get stoned on painkillers (not an option) or inflict pain on other people (not a recommended option). I'm sure there are elements causing this difficulty that have to do with the heat, the pregnancy, the anticipation of the start of grad school, and the fact that the house is halfway torn apart due to the ongoing renovations. I think there is another element that is brand-new to me, though. Well, almost brand new.

This time around, I'm not only moving with someone else that I have to coordinate the timing and process with, but that person hasn't moved for MANY years. Nearly a decade. That means a decade of accumulation, but also a decade of attachment, one of roots and people and a process that goes beyond what I'm used to. I get it and I'm really trying to be sensitive and all that, but I'm so much better at being sensitive when I have a kitchen sink and lack of visual chaos.

I can't apparently control the continual delays to our departure, however. Unfortunately, he chose yesterday (my birthday) to announce the latest impending delay. While I try to work through this information without reaction, I'm just not as good at damming up emotions as I normally would be. I'm anxious about getting to Boston and getting settled in, learning my way around, taking care of business and being ready for the start of Orientation. I have one shot at one year of grad school, it's Harvard, it's expensive...so it's kind of a big deal. From time to time I have to get a little territorial about this whole thing and say "hey, um, I'm going to have to speak a little louder now because what I need matters, too." Well, then I just feel bad because I know how hard Eric is working, but it is what it is and I'm trying to stand up for peanut, too. And, geez, that conversation mixed with signing loan papers for a stupid (and necessary) amount of grad school loans is how we celebrated my 35th birthday...

So in case anyone was wondering, the combo platter of my life is currently a little much.

However, things that get a thumbs up:

• Thanks, mom, for being all super preggo in the height of summer 35 years ago. I'm super grateful that I will be in that position in the middle of winter instead.
  
• I was lamenting my procrastination/miser-like strategy with purchasing plane tickets to a wedding in Seattle we need to go the weekend of the 14th. I guess it was just kismet - had I bought tickets already, we'd have some bigger problems.
  
• A storm is coming that should help cool things down.
• This time last year I was VERY undecided about what direction to move in. Too many options and ideas becomes a little paralyzing. I'm grateful for purpose.
• My Lovenox shots seem to be doing their job and I haven't had any funky blood tests nor reasons to be concerned.
• My grandmother called me to say Happy Birthday and reminded me how good Wisconsin sweet corn is this time of year.
  
• Birthdays are the best reason to use facebook - it was heartwarming to hear from so many people.
• The West Wing. Studio 60. Aaron Sorkin. just because.
  
• The reintroduction of iced coffee to my diet.
• Eric. Even when I want to kill him, I know that he is 100% dedicated to our adventure.
  

Thumbs down:

eh. let's not do thumbs down today. It's a new year of life, after all.

Boxes and Smartwater

Man, a week goes by FAST, even when I'm struggling to get in gear.

While we are preparing for the big move East, I've realized that I've been in a holding pattern with packing because it just seemed too EARLY to pack most things (won't we need to use that whisk in the next few weeks?) and it always seems like there is enough time later to take care of such items.

However, I have come to recognize that pretty much everything can be packed at this point and we'll get along just fine, especially considering that Eric is pretty much never home except to sleep (finishing a restaurant build under looming deadline), the kitchen is mid-renovation and may as well not even exist (guess that answers the whisk question), and I spend most of my day working on the computer, napping, sorting files, or trying to figure out what I can possibly eat without wanting to vomit. Keeping in mind that there is no kitchen, I'm kind of limited in that last task.

I've also developed this really odd addiction to Smartwater. Now, if you've known me in the past 4 years, you know that there has never been a shortage of Smartwater bottles in my office, car, hand, etc. BUT! it has taken a dangerous and expensive new turn. With the absence of the kitchen sink, I have been unable to refill my bottles with the filtered tap water (not to mention they don't FIT under the bathroom faucet). More importantly, though, is the fact that Smartwater is the only water that "tastes right" to me now.

(if this is your first time here, I'm 14 weeks pregnant...smells and tastes are a very strange and unpredictable thing and completely rule one's ability to nourish oneself.)

I know I sound super picky right now and I'm really not THAT girl, but I swear I have an aversion to drinking water (at the hotttest point in the summer, I might add) when it is not in that lovely, sealed, clean-tasting, sarcastic labeled bottle. And a girl has to stay hydrated, so here I am, thankful that Costco sells it in bulk and it is a little cheaper that way.

Seeing the writing on the wall, I've gone ahead and written to Smartwater suggesting that they sponsor my pregnancy (and Harvard education...get it? SMARTwater...) with free product. They could go further and, you know, hook me up with some other kind of sponsorship while they were at it...I know I'm not a celebrity or superathlete or anything, but I *AM* attempting to grow a human while doing an intensive and unaffordable year of grad school and I think a lot more people could identify with my adventure than your average commercial-grade beautiful spokesperson. Just a thought.

(sigh) back to the boxes and the packing. Eric asks me last night (at 11pm) if I know "how many boxes we have total". (pause) "What?" He asks again (why his danger sensors did not pick up the tone in my voice, I don't know), "you know, how many boxes of stuff have you figured out that we have to take?"

(cut to scene)

Me: I have no idea. Especially since I've barely packed anything because you want to go through it.

Him: Oh. Huh. Well, you know, I'd really like to take a digital photo of all the contents of each box before they get packed.

Me: What?

Him: A digital photo - just lay the stuff out before it goes in the box and snap a picture.

Me: No. Why on earth would we do that?

Him: Well, that's what I did the last time I packed.

Me: Nope. No you didn't.

Him: Yes I did. It keeps everything organized.

Me: False. Digital cameras didn't EXIST the last time you moved.

Him: (Pause) True. But it is still a good idea.

Me: No. No it is not. Besides, that's ridiculous - who does that? Why?

Him: So we know what is in each box.

Me: We will. They're labeled on the outside. "Books" "Design Books" "Textbooks" "Lena's non-pregnant summer clothes", etc.

Him: But how will we know what is IN them?

Me: Um...aside from the pretty obvious labels...open them up and look when we unpack?

Him: Well, maybe we could at least have an inventory list of each box. So we know where the little things are...

There was this sidebar conversation about labeling *clear* plastic ziplock bags that contain things like pens and pencils (label: Pens and Pencils) or binder clips (label: binder clips) that are then put into a box that is labeled "office supplies" with a corresponding picture and inventory list. I decide at this point that he is either drunk, already asleep, or messing with me, but I can't really tell which (or all) is the case.

(this is where I get tired of the lunacy)

Me: No. Stop making this more difficult. We don't have time for it. I'll leave your stuff alone and you can go through it all and pack it with your lists, but I'm not detailing which books are in what box and cataloging the color of sweaters and shirts that we pack. K? Let's go back to watching Studio 60.

(end scene)


I managed this conversation with relative calm, considering my hormonal and overtired self. Today, I feel a little more capable to pack up (my) things and move forward. It's as if I needed the debate to clarify the task at hand (and also recognize my absolute horror of Eric being left to his own devices if I don't get stuff packed up before he is free and home to "help").

Guess I must be better hydrated.

Thank You, Kind Sirs

Not last night, but the night before...

...we were on our way home from somewhere I honestly cannot recall (more on this later) when I remembered that I was out of milk. It was 9:29pm and the only place to stop that isn't well out of the way is Whole Foods. Turns out they closed at 9:30. However, after being told through the locked sliding glass doors that they were closed, I made a sad face, turned around to leave and soon heard, "Do you just need one or two things?" I whipped around to face a kind sir who let me in when I assured him I was just getting milk. I was fast. And grateful. Because if I don't have the means to make a UltraMeal shake in the morning, I'm in big trouble - and I'm not being spoiled and bratty about this...I really mean that I might not be able to eat anything for breakfast and that is trouble for the rest of the day.


...well, this was actually last night: Kind sir in Boulder sold us his old Bugaboo stroller with a ton of accessories for a screaming deal. And seeing as how Eric is all about the gear we can't afford right now, he is pretty ecstatic. I think he'd just play with that thing all day if he didn't have a restaurant to finish building.


...(this week)kind sirs with questionable motives approved me for not-enough-money-but-far-too-much-money in grad school loans. This makes me anxious, for I do not like debt, but there aren't as many options as I thought for 35 year old women who have spent their professional lives working in non-profit so far and don't have any money saved for grad schools and got laid off in January. When I am loaded (money, not booze, hopefully) I will endeavor to establish a scholarship for such people.


(sigh)

there are a lot of things that piss me off throughout the typical day - things that people do TO me, things people do AROUND me, things people do in the course of existing in the world. I mean, I could have strangled Eric for not closing the door last night and letting in an evening's worth of hungry mosquitoes. (I'm irritable and I did apologize for freaking out on him a little). And I was really put off by that tool that tried to smuggle monkeys (what?) today. I'm not keyed about some of the chaotic landfall of tasks that has made our last weeks in CO a little too stressful, but through all of it I have to remember that good thing are happening. Sometimes you have to ask for it, but most of the time good things are happening all around you, but the annoying, mean, dickish stuff just gets more attention. I know this isn't rocket science, but thinking about it today reminded me to extend a little gratitude.

I'll try to throw some gratitude in with the sarcasm and whining whenever possible.



Oh - the "honestly I cannot recall" thing: I didn't take the idea of "baby brain" seriously and have vowed to stop reading a lot of "what to expect" type guides about pregnancy...but MAN am I a complete moron so far this week. I literally forget what I'm saying mid-sentence if I was even making any sense up to that point. My vocabulary has become non-existent at times and I'm struggling to think of words like, "car" and "water" while talking with someone. So the fact that I don't remember where I was driving home from 2 nights ago doesn't really surprise me at all.